The years 2020-2022 were a difficult time for my partner and me, and we essentially ended our relationship. Legally we did not divorce, but energetically we were separated for about two years.
We have been together for 27 years, and I felt that something was energetically wrong in the relationship, but what exactly it wasn’t easy to describe. A vague, but at the same time, very strong feeling that something in the relationship is totally out of date and can no longer be used in the same form. Something that was once possible to hide behind a curtain was no longer possible. A powerful feeling that something has to change. But what exactly to change? How to change? How to start the changes?
This whole relationship transformation is a long topic; I could write a separate book about that. I am together with my partner, and our relationship is at a new level, but I want to share one of the many insights from this relationship development experience. It could support somebody else.
One important observation for me in this whole process was that how I spoke about relationship problems reflected how strong a subconscious pattern I was at the moment. If the pattern was very active, I used the words “you” and “I.” For example, “you usually do this” or “I am like this, and you are like this.”
If the internal turbulence was milder, it was possible to use the word “we.” For example, “I notice that we usually do this or that.” In the calmest and most relaxed state, problems could be viewed in such a way that sentences like “people often do this or that in a relationship” were used by both of us.
The zoom level of the observation depended on the strength and activity of the pattern. In the very strong pattern, the zoom was tuned to the “me-you” level; in the milder version, you could zoom to the “we” level, and in the mildest version, you could zoom into an even more comprehensive perspective.
If these zoom levels are arranged like the steps of an observation tower, the “me-you” level would be the first step, from where you can’t see very far. I can only see my partner and her mistakes. Even if the other party is on some other level before, using the word “you” quickly pulls her to the same “you-me” level. At this level, it is almost impossible to create anything constructive. It is better to admit to each other that we are currently at this level and are not saying anything that can be reasonably used or used as a basis for making decisions. This level feels very personal.
“Our” level in this tower is milder. The overview is better and already sees a little further and more comprehensively. The egos are not so anxious, and it is possible to observe the processes and analyze them a bit, but the trees and bushes are still ahead, and you can’t see very far.
At the “human” level, the overview is good, and you can see further the relationship landscape, and various distant objects and obstacles can be seen. The personal level in the tower is further below, and when analyzing the processes, not every word and sentence is taken personally. From this level, it is possible to see the different paths on the relationship landscape and where these paths lead.
When the transformation of the relationship was the most active, we went for many walks and talked at the same time. The path in the meadow was worn from hours of circling. This understanding of levels also came during these talks. “You” and “I” were keywords that immediately automatically triggered patterns in both of us, making further communication meaningless. We realized that we needed a new language to discuss our relationship problems.
Today, the best language for us to do is the hologram language. I no longer have to say that “you annoy me” or “the fact that you do or act like that seems wrong to me.” It has never worked and will never work in this form. In addition to other positive changes towards us, the hologram method has also given us a new language. Just as the internet has brought the model that information can be “downloaded,” which would have been very difficult to describe before the internet, in this way, the hologram method has also brought new expressions to our relationship, which help us out from the personal level, rather than taking both parties to a level where neither brain uses the layer of analysis and creativity.
